Shame Shame I Know Your Name

What a time to be alive, am I right? I’m sun burnt, dehydrated, have worse allergies than I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve had writer’s block for a month, but hey, at least I don’t have the Corona.

All it takes for me to get back into writing is to be around stupidity. That’s really it. We’re living in a world where every bit of knowledge is right at our fingertips, yet people spread rumors like it’s the motherfuckin’ Salem Witch Trials. I had someone tell me not to sit outside because I might catch it. Catch it from who? A fucking squirrel? A tree? I got people telling me to leave my groceries outside my apartment for 3 hours before I bring them inside. It is 80 degrees. I take as much precaution as possible, but if someone wiped their snot on my bananas, I’m fucked.

People just like to tell you what to do, it makes them feel smart. My dad always used to tell me, don’t believe everything you see on TV. Nowadays, that saying goes the same for the internet. People will read a meme and believe it like it’s a peer reviewed research article. Don’t take ibuprofen, gargle with bleach, and definitely don’t order Chinese food. These are things I’m hearing, people. I had a guy tell me that this virus started from someone eating bat soup and the Chinese released it to diminish their population in the same breath. Like which one is it? Was Xi Jinping like, “Let’s put it in the bat soup, we’ll infect everyone.” How many people are eating bat soup in a day? There has to be a Mickey D’s over there, put it in a fucking big mac if you want to hit the masses.

I still have to go to work every day, which I’m grateful for, but also jealous of everyone that’s staying home and complaining about being bored but still on salary. I want to get paid to play video games all day. I would love nothing more than to be stuck in the house with my wife, making cookies and crushing her in Super Smash Bros. But unfortunately, I’m a hero and those asses aren’t going to wipe themselves. No, I’m not a hero, there are plenty out there I’m sure, but I’m just a guy praying my job doesn’t lay me off.

I feel like we’re throwing the hero word around a little too often. Everyone who is still working is not a hero, we’re just lucky that we haven’t got laid off in an uncertain time. I appreciate a good cashier, minimal chatting, fast checking, and one who doesn’t tell me it’s too early in the morning to buy tequila. But I’ve given a cashier a head of garlic (not in a bag) and he asked me what it was. My hero knows what garlic is and she makes a fuckin’ mean marinara.

I was thinking about something that is going to be very weird when everything opens back up. Assuming, all the restaurants and bars open up before the virus is “over,” people are going to have to decide for themselves, when they feel safe going back out to eat. The shaming of people will inevitably get worse. I truly believe people aren’t actually afraid of getting the virus, they just don’t want to be shamed on social media for not following the guidelines. But when the bars open back up, everyone will not be in agreement that they should have been reopened. So, we’re going to have the camp of people shaming the people eating out and the camp of alcoholic who need to pay 3x the price for a beer to feel right-side-up again.

People are shaming each other for running outside. Outside, away from everyone. The virus is not this cloud in the air that is going to get you. I was running yesterday, and these people were walking into the supermarket and they pushed their kids behind them like I had the plague. Dirty looks and all. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t get out of their way, but I was running on the side walk and you people just got out of your car. I definitely had the right of way. Plus, I’m fat and out of shape, I can’t be changing directions on a dime because I see a car door open.

I think the only thing keeping us quarantined is the shaming, so I guess it has to keep going. I haven’t seen so many people trying to out high horse each other since the 2016 elections. Twitter is like a game of Polo right now. “Don’t go outside”// “don’t order out”// “order out to save the small businesses”// “do you want to buy my onlyfans?”

It’s all anyone wants to talk about. That’s mainly because there is nothing else to talk about, with no one working, no sports, people are jerking off at an all time high leaving them drained and stuck droning on about the same thing over and over again. How many premium Snapchat accounts is too many during this epidemic? I’m over here finding out I’m allergic to the place I moved too and people are shaming me for sneezing. For sneezing!

Down here in the south, I used to sneeze and people would say, God bless you, and then come pray with me for my sneeze and spritz me with holy water. Now, the same people are holding up a cross at me telling me I’m going to burn in hell. The world is flipped upside down, even the Christians are acting self -righteous. Oh wait…

Hope you all stay healthy. I’ll leave you with the words of Dwight Shrute, “Fact: In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is ‘Oh, I broke my leg!’ A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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