Monday Night Bachelor ft. Tequila

I just poured myself a shot of tequila as I’m sitting here waiting for The Bachelor to start and my wife questions me, “you’re just going to drink warm tequila?” I remind her that it’s not “warm” tequila, it’s called, “neat” tequila, which is a BIG difference. One makes me sound like a raging alcoholic who will drink anything I get my hands on while the other describes me as a person of class, some might even say, cultured.

Anyways, down the hatch and we’re into it with Petey. Petey, isn’t real a great bachelor in my opinion. This guy is in love with everyone.

I would say he’s a sociopath, but he’s not smart enough to be a sociopath. These, are some of the recent lines he’s been dropping to different girls.

“I just want someone who wants me as bad as I want them.” That would be nice Peter but we’re adults. Get a grip.

“I’ve thought about you so much. If only you knew.” If she only knew? You just fucking told her.

“Do you 100 percent feel like this is what you want? You are 100 percent ready? How are you so confident?” Are you asking this woman why she’s confident in liking you? Is it that hard to believe someone would like a future millionaire? I mean come on man pull it together.

Don’t get me wrong. I would be a terrible bachelor. I’m a great relationship guy. I focus on one person’s likes, dislikes, etc. But this guy, is going to break every single one of these girls. If I’m one of these women pining after him, I’d settle into a good spot to be the bachelorette next season, because this guy is the guy in front of you at the ice cream shop that has to try every flavor before he chooses and then ends up picking vanilla anyway.

The Bachelor is great because you can start watching at any point in the show and feel caught up. Last season of the Bachelor, I caught the last episode and I was absolutely entertained. Is it a show that I will stop my life for every week? No. If it’s on because Marisa wants it on, I’ll tune in while I scroll.

I truly like the bachelorette better because I like to imagine how I would handle being in a house with 30 dudes trying to get the girl. I imagine I’d stay in it enough to get a solid vacation and free alcohol without having to deal with the love part. And then I’d try to a cash in on a trip to bachelor in paradise, because that’s where the real party is at. There’s no way I’d out myself in Peter’s shoes.

But tonight, there are five girls remaining. I don’t know or care who wins really. But I want Natasha to be the bachelorette next year because if she marries this idiot, they’ll be divorced ASAP. She’s way too smart for him. I think he marries the Victoria F. chick despite her saying the word “like” upwards of 300 times during one 5 minute scene of a dinner. If he was able to sit through that dinner, he can live with her I guess. Now, I think his best bet is to go with Kelley. An Irish girl. Someone who can really put him in his place when he’s jerking around and doing his emotional thing. So, let’s get it on tonight and find some fucking love.

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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