Recently, on Mailtime, which is a podcast that was just restarted by KFC at Barstool, they talked about a conspiracy theory known as the Dyaltov Pass incident. To those of you who have never heard of this, listen to Mailtime because it’s a great podcast (episode 2, timestamp: 34:20).
In 1959, nine hikers in Russia, hiked up into the Ural Mountains on January 27th and by February 1st, they were all dead. After a few days of hiking, they ended up lost and headed in the direction of Kholat Syakhl, which obviously translates to, Dead Mountain. It is presumed that all of the hikers, 7 men and 2 women, died on the same day. The tent was eventually found cut open from the inside and all of the hikers were scattered around the area, as if they were all walking away from the tent in different directions or back towards the tent. Fucked up part, not one of them had both their shoes on and most of them barely had any clothes on, while some were wearing other people’s clothing. Six (Igor the group leader, Yuri, Georgiy, Alex, Zinaida, and Rustem) were confirmed to have died from hypothermia while three (Lyudmila, Nikolai and Semyon) died from fatal trauma to the head, chest, missing eyeballs, missing tongues, the whole bit. Also, I would like to point out that Semyon was 38 while everyone else was in their early 20’s.
There are a lot of theories including avalanches, katabatic wind, and infrasound, but I’m not here to type a bunch of shit you can go read on fucking wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyatlov_Pass_incident). I’m here to tell you the real story. I’m here to uncover the fucking truth, as told by your cousin Vinny.
It’s 1959, two years before the Russians took flight into space. Fidel Castro is the dickhead in charge of Cuba, and Khrushchev is protecting all those occupying West Berlin. The Cold War, was a weird fucking time to say the least.
Igor, radio engineering student, was just about to head into his final semester of school and told his 6 best buddies he really wanted to hike up into the mountains and do some American drugs. He’s sick of vodka. He’s sick of the MANifesto holding him down. The boys agree it would be a great trip. They planned to leave on a Saturday, because after all Saturdays are for the boys.
A day before they’re supposed to head out on the train he receives a telegram from his friend Rustem. Rustem was a piece of shit. He was constantly sending telegrams instead of talking face to face. He’d never get a good job and get paid in cow shit by the Union. The telegram reported to him that Rustem was bring two girls.
“Great,” Igor thought, “It was supposed to be a manly trip and now he was going to have to wait along for two girls. What if they start bleeding? They could attract bears.”
It’s too late for him to tell Rustem it was a bad idea, because the telegram would never get there in time. Maybe he could at least have a chance at sleeping with the women. He had no choice but to take the girls with them. The next morning they meet at the train that will take them to a small town by the mountain. Rustem introduces all of the guys to Lyudmila and Zinaida. Fucking Rustem didn’t bother to mention that Lyudmila, the hot one, would be bring her boyfriend Semyon, who looks like he could be her dad.
Igor could tell the boys were pissed, especially Nikolai. He was a rude son of bitch and always had a fifth of Stoli on him, or whatever they drink in Russia. He immediately introduced himself to Semyon, “Hey, Mr. Kolmogorova (Lyudmila’s surname), nice to meet you.” Shmuck.
A few days later and they are beginning to make it up the mountain. Nikolai has been nonstop with the jokes and the bottle. Semyon has had enough, and one of the two Yuris got sick. Or so he said anyway. Yuri ended up heading back down the mountain.
As the make their trek, they have to stop way too often, because in Soviet Russia, women don’t usually hike up mountains, or maybe they do, but for the sake of this narrative, they don’t. Plus Alex was being a little bitch about a blister he had on his foot.
They stopped so much that Igor got turned around and accidentally took them the wrong way. “Fuck,” he thought. He told everyone that they will have to camp now and figure it out in the morning. They all pile into their tent.
Georgiy boy pulls out the American drugs, which are obviously shrooms and LSD, because it’s almost the 60’s and he had a hook up from his cousin Jimi. “It’s time to get crazy,” he tells everyone. The girls begin giggling and in true dad fashion Semyon get’s all upset that his girlfriend wants to do drugs with the boys. Nikolai goads Semyon into eating some shrooms and to not be such a pussy all the time. Knowing there wasn’t much else to do, he shoved some shrooms in his mouth and grabbed Nikolai’s bottle of vodka to wash them down. Everyone passes around the drugs and the vodka and actually begin to relax. Except Semyon.
The 38 year old, curls up into a ball and just won’t stop reiterating, “I’m FREAKING out man.” This is when Nikolai takes is opportunity to start hitting on Lyudmila. Igor finally begins to warm up to Zinaida who didn’t seem quite as annoying now that she had her burka off. But the shrooms were really getting to him.
Before he knew it he was taking all of his clothes off because he was convinced they were melting. Nikolai kept complaining that he was hungry. Igor somehow convinced everyone that their clothes were melting off and within a few more minutes, the tent looked like it was transported right from woodstock, 6 naked men, 2 naked women, and full grown man in the fetal position.
Even in 1959 Russia, orgies happen man. Well sort of anyway. Igor started having a go with Zinaida but the rest of the guys got jealous. I mean, they were all half naked with half chubs, in a tent smaller than a Volkswagen Bus. Nikolai had his tongue halfway down Semyon’s girlfriends mouth. But he still kept complaining of how hungry he was.
The guys really start yelling at Igor, because he was really about to have sex right in front of them while they were all tripping balls. Alex finally loses it and screams that he has to leave. He cuts a hole in the tent and rips through it and the cold air rushes through. The cold air freaked Nikolai out and something snapped. He bit Lyudmilas tongue clear off. As she’s screaming and yelling, everyone starts racing out of the tent in a panic. Igor is stuck there with Nikolai, Lyudmila and Semyon. He couldn’t leave them, he was the group leader. Naked and afraid the rest of the group ran towards the woods. Nikolai was still chewing the tongue when Igor tried to calm her down. Fucked up, I know. Semyon, starts realizing what’s going on. Igor finally got her to stop screaming and just then fucking Nikolai stuck the vodka bottle into her eye socket trying to pour it down her throat to feel better.
Igor can’t stop thinking about how the trip is ruined. Semyon stand up and grabs his walking stick realizing that his sugar baby is hurt. He swings as hard as he can at Nikolai and smack him in the head. Lyudmila gets up, and runs out of the tent butt naked. Semyon runs to chase her, but as he walks out the tent door, she sees him with her good eye and pokes him three stooges style, rip both his eyes out with the force. Igor couldn’t let this guy beat up his friend with a stick, even if Nikolai did eat his girlfriend’s tongue.
He ran after them and found Semyon lying on his back and just beat his chest in with the walking stick. The trip was totally ruined. He knew they shouldn’t have brought the girls. He knew it would end up in a disaster. They were living on communist Russia for fucks sake. He ran to find the others but it was so dark he ended up getting lost. He eventually laid down in the snow to tired and fucked up to know which way he came from. “That’s why Saturday’s are for the boys,” he thought as he drifted off into a combination of death and hallucinations.
And that, is the true story, of the Dyatlov Pass.