Twas the Night Before Christmas – By Your Cousin Vinny

As I write this blog the clock reads two, my heart races fast, is it Santa? Is it true?

No, don’t be foolish, St. Nick came and gone, that’s just the tequila you were shooting at nine.

My phone lights up blue, and I read the Fox news report: Santa seen flying over the park. Get the fuck out of here, are you serious Clark?

I stumble out of bed, mouth parched, pain surging through my head.

I search for some water but the Brita is bone dry, not a drop for Vinny, what the shit? Am I high?

Who could’ve done that? Did Mr. Cringle not refill it? No, it was my wife I almost wake her for a minute.

I think to myself, what good would that do? Maybe a slap in the head, for good measure, too.

I turn to the sink and put my mouth on the faucet, and drink the lukewarm water and I almost vomit.

‘It’s Christmas,’ I think, this is a feeling I know, and I remember, to work, I soon have to go.

I huff and I puff and I act like a child, who isn’t allowed to go downstairs and open his presents all piled.

‘It’s okay,’ I thought, when I remembered the White Claws which I bought. I’ll drink those when I get home and write another drunk poem.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll eat cinnamon buns and bacon, and I’ll rub my wife’s feet. I don’t have a fetish, she just says they’re achin’.

Our first Christmas together, they said it would be great. They didn’t mention you’ll do all the cooking till late.

I can’t believe my parents prepared for Christmas with kids, when I just threw out a pair of underwear marked with two skids.

It must’ve been the wine, especially when I was nine. That was the year I cried on Christmas like a spoiled, snowflake child.

My mind has stopped wandering and now I’m back in my bed, I check my alarm clock, it says three, I shake my head.

With two Tylenol in my system, I should fall asleep quick. I try to snuggle up to my wife but she gives me a swift kick.

I groan as my chestnuts are officially roasted, better get some sleep, or I’ll be the one ghosted.

I hope this song and dance doesn’t offend on this day, it’s meant to be funny so have a laugh or get laid.

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas today, please remember share my story and have a drink if you may. 

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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