My family is at the stage of life where it no longer feels like Christmas. It’s that short period of time where the kids are old enough to make children, but they just haven’t done the deed yet. I got a Christmas tree sitting right in front of me and we’re in the final countdown, but I’m still not getting the Christmas vibe. I even went to a Christmas party last night, hoping it would spark a little holiday cheer, but they didn’t even play a single Christmas song. I truly don’t think it feels like Christmas until you go to happy hour in New York, it’s freezing cold, and they’re playing Christmas songs as you’re banging back Irish Car bombs with your friends and family.
Christmas parties are one of the greatest types of parties of the year. Everyone pretends to like each other and we all agree on the music. A Christmas party has a particular group of people that come every single year. Who are you?
“Christmas is my FAAAAAAVORITE time of year”
This is nine times out of ten a girl, who chooses to go over the top with their Christmas attire. You’ll always find this person wearing a Santa hat but at the party they are usually wearing a light up sweater with reindeer antlers and a clown nose – because they’re Rudolph. This person loves to tell you how much they love Christmas. Then they list all the things that have to do with Christmas as if you aren’t a fake Catholic as well.
This person is a fan favorite at every party. Usually, also donning a Christmas hat, but he also has the red cheeks to be like Santa. At the end of the night, you’ll find this person standing by the milk and cookies, alone, he catches you looking at him, mouth full of cookies, and smiles with guilt and milk dripping down his face.
This person brings all of the best pies, desserts or appetizers. No, I’m not talking about the person who shows up with the shitty store bought cookies, or the Ellio’s Pizza. This you’re most creative friend who decorated every damn gingerbread cookie to be sporting a different emotion. Usually this person is dating or married to the least creative person in the room, and you can tell which gingerbread man was decorated by that person before their significant other told them to fucking forget it.
Usually nonplussed with All I Want for Christmas playing for he 85th time, but do people really still like that song? The Jew is usually a festive person. They always tell you about what they do on Christmas, Chinese food, movies, etc. but only because the alcoholic asks, “What do you even do on Christmas man?” When I hear that, all I want to say is, “what the fuck do you do on Hannukah or Ramadan man, do you do anything fucking crazy.” The only reason the Jew even has to explain is because the entire country stops turning for this holiday. And when you have a job you can’t take off of, people get upset with you. They’ll say, “that’s ridiculous, how do you not have off?” People still go to the hospital on Christmas, the patients don’t just go home.
This is the person who works on Christmas. They love to be a martyr and they love to tell you about how they have to work on Christmas. What they don’t tell you, is that they’re usually making double time money, and probably signed up for the shift.
This guy is the one who cheats on the games that you play at the party. For example, a trivia game is being played, and this guy is sneaking looks at his phone looking up answers. Maybe this isn’t a person at every party, and very specific to a specific incident of mine, but still. We were playing a game in which you pick a random year, and watch a Youtube video of the top 100 hits from that year in 5 second clips. Furthest person from number 1 has to take a shot. I watched the cheat google it, like I saw it on his phone, so I told my wife, my bet was that this guy wins with the number 1 song. He wins obviously picking number 1 and everyone goes nuts. We play again, and again he picks number 1, and I’m not sure who’s worse, him, or the guy who believed he actually picked the number 1 song twice in a row. The whole fucking fun of that game is the gambling part. Is the song I picked going to be number 1? Is it going to be top 10? Shit, is it on the list at all? This fucking guy got to me.
A couple of honorable mentions: the DJ, always turning the music back to Christmas. Gift person, the one who always suggests a secret Santa or grab bag. I wish there was snow, the guy who’s always standing their looking out the window saying that he wishes it would snow. And finally, the conspiracy theorist. The guy who’s always telling you that Christmas is all a scheme to get people to spend tons of money. Like yeah we know guy, would you rather have no holidays at all? You don’t like it then don’t celebrate with us.
Either way, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope you enjoyed reading my blogs this year. If you did throw me a share on Facebook or a retweet on twitter. Have some eggnog or some wine for me today, or even a tequila shot.