The Dog Chronicles

One day, my children are going to beg me for a dog. I know it because I did it for years. I wore my parents down until they finally spent time researching and eventually buying a dog that they thought would be great for our lifestyle. If you knew my family’s dog, you knew she was a total bitch. Cocker Spaniel. I never helped take care of the dog. Maybe I’d walk her every once in a while, rub her down once in a while, but in all fairness, she wasn’t exactly a fun dog; more of the dog you have, that barks all the time, smells really bad for years on end, and has constant uncontrollable ear infections. RIP though.

Now, years later I have my own dog of my own accord. I have spent endless hours walking the dog, at least an hour each day for the past two and half years. That’s 912 hours, which is 38 days. Yes, I love my dog and I will absolutely be destroyed when it’s all said and done. But I just can’t deal with this shit again. I’m not even a dog guy.

Veterinarians, are doctors, basically the same as the ones for humans. Which means they all give you their “medical opinions.” Which is just that. An opinion. A few weeks ago, we found out the dog needs to get all the vaccines that you need when you live in this specific climate. So, I took care of that. Four hundred and seventy dollars later, she was vaccinated… sort of. Had to go back again and drop another buck fifty for the booster shots. So, at least now you can’t call me an anti-vaxxer.

The thing that gets me is not the price. I’ll pay large amounts of money to people who can do things that I can’t. It’s only fair. You can change my carburetor or my flux capacitor? Here’s two grand. But I hate paying for medical opinions.

My dog has this tooth that has something called a slab fracture. It doesn’t bother her, but she’s a dog so I don’t really know. Anyway, our last vet told us to leave it alone. So we did. Then our new doctor, here, told us that we should pull it out asap. Now, I have two opposing opinions, and now I, a regular old idiot, have to make a medical decision. Think about how fucked this is when it’s about a human being.

I went back to the vet to finish up the vaccines and it was a Saturday, so we had a different doc. I told him of my concerns and the conflicting opinions, and I said, “fuck it, can you be the tie breaker?”

He laughs a little bit and he tells me, “here’s what I would do. I would wiggle the tooth a little bit everyday and then you can just pull it out.” You want me to pull the fucking tooth? I mean fuck it, if that’s an option then guess what, that’s what we’re going to do.

But, I wanted this guy to be the tiebreaker, not give me a whole new option to have to think about. This is why they call it practicing medicine. It’s a game. Figuring out what is wrong, is fun for doctors. Yes, of course. doctors can also be very compassionate people, but when it comes down to it, it’s all about fucking opinions. Everyone has got one, but really, you have to make these decisions.

A month later I’m writing this and I was too scared to pull the tooth out because I’m not a masochist, impersonating a veterinarian. I took the dog back to the vet for another $50 booster and the doc said, “alright, you wiggled it enough for me to pull it out. I have a tool in the back I can use to pull it.”

I said, “Doc, you got a pair of pliers in the back you’re gonna use, bring it in here and let’s at least do it together.” I wasn’t about to just be like “yeah, fuck it, let the doctor be the bad guy.” So, he brought the pliers out and pulled out the piece of the tooth, my dog didn’t even flinch. It took three seconds and another $60 pop later, we’re back in business.

To wrap it up, this is why I will never get another dog. This is a one and done. No one will ever help you take care of a dog. Don’t ever let your kids or your wives or your husbands confuse you. If you want a dog and you’re going to enjoy taking care of it. Great. But don’t ever let someone convince you, no matter how much they tell you how happy it will make them. Fuck them.

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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