Over the past 20-25 years, Disney has just been remaking film after film after film. It’s embarrassing that we continue to go see these movies. I’d be a liar if I told you that I wasn’t going to continue seeing them, and I’ll probably even pay for the stupid Disney+ filled with tons of other Marvel movies I’ve seen a hundred times with just about the same story arc in each one.
The live action films hit different though. For some reason, I go in each time thinking it’s going to be like a different movie or that somehow it’s going to be better because it’s real life. But that’s the thing about animation, it’s not supposed to be real life. It’s supposed to be … imagination.
My all time favorite animated Disney film is Hercules. It may not be the best Disney movie by whatever standards you’re choosing, it’s certainly not The Lion King, but it’s my favorite. So fuck off. My favorite part of the movie is when he picks up the tornado…THE TORNADO. And fucking whips it around, captures all of the titans and whips that shit billions of miles into space. How the fuck, is old Walt, going to recreate that with a regular guy? Please don’t ruin Hercules with a live action film starring Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, or Vin Diesel. Please Please Please.
My point is, some of these movies, I can get on board with a little remake, and some, are just meant to be for the imagination.
I’m going to give you a list of my top 5 favorite Live Action Disney remakes. I’d like to know where you stand on yours, so send a tweet or comment and let me know.
5) Jungle Book (2016)
This one, wasn’t bad? I mean I guess it was alright. For a movie in the jungle, with some jungle animals it looked pretty cool .The CGI was really awesome, but the kid who portrayed Mowgli was way too much of a little bitch for me. I just don’t buy that he is standing up to a 600 pound tiger, or at the very least, outsmarting him. I will say Shere Khan was fucking awesome looking in this one but I hated how real the other animals looked. As hard as it is to fucking imagine a kid walking around with a bear and a panther, when they are so refined and real looking, it distracted me. So, Jungle book made the top 5 by default because in my opinion everything outside of this is garbage.
If you didn’t think that Aladdin was funny, then you’re an asshole. Will Smith is a great actor, and he did his own take on the genie while keeping in some of the best parts from Robin Williams, RIP. Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott were cast perfectly in this movie. The fucking rendition of “A Whole New World,” mind blowing. The movie was very similar to the animated film and I appreciated Jasmine becoming queen as opposed to just a pawn in the game. I will say that Marwan Kenzari was not Jafar. #notmyjafar. He was NOT scary. He wasn’t devious. He was just like a mean guy. Last note, I felt like The Sultan could have been much more stupid? I’m not sure if that’s the right word for it, but he was so funny in the movie. Fuck the parrot, two thumbs up for Abu.
3) 101 Dalmatians
I mean, this movie is a goddamn classic. Glenn Close one of the best damn actors of all time. I mean first off, Disney uses real dogs. Fucking genius. Walt Disney died just a few years after he created the original one which was a good one. Unfortunately, I take The Aristocats over 101 Dalmations every damn time. I know dog lovers may be upset about that but the scene with two dogs at night, “it’s squeaky shoes approaching.” Gold baby, Gold. But back to Disney’s master piece. There is one thing that Disney sometime’s does well and that is they give the adult audience some humor that will go over the kids’ heads. The scene where Anita and Roger walk into the house and Cruella is standing there is a classic. Cruella sits there and absolutely emasculates Roger, calling him Rufus and essentially telling him he and his career are a waste of life, was that perfect piece of humor where adults get their good laugh. That is why I rank this one third. It gives me some laughs, some deep belly laughs. Best quote from that scene though, “I have no need for babies!” Tell me about it Cruella.
2) Beauty and the Beast
I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, and even bigger fan of Hermione. Emma Watson that is. She is awesome. She’s funny and she is moving in what she does. Her cameo in This Is The End was priceless; the mouth of a sailor and the body of a teenage witch. But more importantly, great fucking actor. She carries this film all the way to my number 2 of Disney’s best live action remakes. I had a coworker once tell me she couldn’t take her kids to see it because she didn’t want them to turn gay. She was an actual moron and she was fired after 9 days of work, but she also missed out on a good one. This one, I’d watch again and again. The scene where we meet the beast and he just absolutely fucks up the wolves and saves Belle. I mean, I’d fuck him. They should make a movie Hulk Vs. Beast, or just like a short battle clip would be fine. Lumiere and Chip are phenomenal characters. I cried during the classic dance scene while I watched this movie on a plane. Tried my best, but couldn’t hold it back. Maybe that makes me a bitch, I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I’m not crying for many movies on a plane.
So, I’m pretty sure this isn’t, technically, a Disney movie, but to me it’s the best one I’ve seen. I would say this could be really controversial but I mean c’mon, nobody actually gives a shit. Now, I will say this, this version’s animals were not nearly as real looking as the ones in The Jungle Book. But that is one of the reasons I fucking love this one. I don’t want it to look like this kid is walking around with real life animals. I want a little animation. The actor who plays this kid is great. Look at his fucking face. LOOK AT IT. That is the face of a kid who grew up with wolves. Battle to the death with the kid who plays Mowgli in the other Jungle Book and this guy wins 1000/1000 times. I mean this kid fought Shere Khan. Like the nasty Shere Khan. He is a jungle man. He is mean. This kid is not a a little curious boy. This is the adult version of The Jungle Book. Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife, and take ya girlfriend to Netflix and chill the shit out of this one cause yes it’s available on Netflix. Also, there is a little white wolf in this one, and he’s fucking adorable.
So, here’s the thing Disney. I know you’re not listening to me, but I’m sick of the remakes. The new Lion King is an absolute disaster of a movie. Mulan probably won’t bomb and I am interested in how they make Mushu. Fucking Dumbo though? That shit was awful. I just truly believe that sometimes animation is something that is an art of the past. Now people want everything to look real. I don’t want real. I want fake. I want unbelievably believable. So yes, this is my top 5, but none of these touch the originals, and I think we all know that.