Recently, I went to my best friends’ wedding. It was supposed to be down in Punta Cana where I was prepared to vacation on the island, get some color and probably drink for 4 days straight while eating nothing but hamburgers and chicken fingers. Instead they moved it to Long Island, which doesn’t have the same allure as Punta Cana but hey, at least now the whole family would be there. And isn’t that who weddings are for anyway?
If you are sitting there thinking that the wedding you are about to have is actually for you, you are wrong. It’s for your mother. It’s for your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and distant cousins you’ve never met. I was living in Las Vegas, the eloping capital of the world, and here I am waiting a year and half to get married in an overpriced barn with free range chickens in it.
My friends’ wedding was great, don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of weddings. A night of eating, drinking, dancing, and more drinking, is right up my alley. The price of these things are just getting out of control, especially in the northeast. I obviously don’t know how much money their wedding cost, but it wasn’t fucking cheap. I drank an entire bottle of tequila, ate a 16-oz rib eye and a plate full of calamari, they aren’t giving that shit away for free. I know from my own wedding that everyone working there is making at least $100/hour while you celebrate the “happiest day of your life.”
Luckily, me and my friend struck up a deal because our weddings are within 3 months of each other. We decided not to get each other any gifts. People may think this is wrong, but when it really comes down to it, why would we exchange money and then give it back in 3 months. Instead, we did no gifts, no gifts at the wedding, no gifts at the engagement party, no bridal shower gifts and honestly it is 100% worth it.
Every time I turn around I’m giving money away for a bridal shower, a wedding, a baby, a birthday, etc. I get it. People did it for me when I was a kid, and for my fiance’s bridal shower, so I get it. Everyone needs help getting started off. But, instead why don’t we shrink the whole wedding experience and I don’t know, buy a fucking house to get started off. But like I said before, I don’t know what I need. That’s what my fiance is for, and she has informed me that we need a wedding if I plan on staying with her. So, we’re doing the wedding thing.
The thing about weddings is that you always know you’re going to have a good time. You may be spending a lot of preparation in one night, but it’s not often all of your friends are in one place anymore. So, renting the tux, the gifts, the travel, and whatever other money must be spent in the end is worth it, I guess. I mean I don’t even like my friends, bunch of assholes anyway. But it’s not like I can make new ones now so I’m stuck with these fuckers.
I haven’t been in many weddings, this was actually the first wedding party I’ve been in and the first speech I had to give where I was looking for laughter rather than teaching. I was definitely more nervous than expected but, I pulled the trigger, wiped my mouth and had a few White Claws to get through the day. I mean, it wasn’t even my wedding.
There were rumors going around that I cried before the groom did, but those are false. Weddings are fucking emotional roller coasters. One minute your drinking tequila in the wedding suite, next you are watching the bride walking down the aisle with tears in her eyes, then you got the minister making jokes, and then you listen to your best friends say their vows. It’s a fucking nightmare.
I wasn’t going to cry I was good. But this idiot, my friend, right before we’re about to walk into the ceremony turns to me, tears in HIS eyes, and says, “I’m gonna cry man.” How am I supposed to not tear up after he does that. Then he wipes his eyes and the wedding planner pushes me in the door and it looks like I’m the one crying. It was bullshit.
One day, I’m going to own my own wedding company, this way I can rip people off for an inappropriately large amount of money, to have the “happiest day of their life” while paying me, and rolling the dice on the 50% marriage success rate. With that kind of success rate, I’m sure I’ll get repeat customers.