What If, another Netflix original. What if, they never ever released this pilot, and we never had to watch it. Netflix has got to pull it together. Some of these Netflix Originals should really never be seen. I’m an easy guy to please when it comes to TV and I really wanted to watch the whole first episode before writing this but I just couldn’t wait. I’m three quarters of the way through with it on in the background as we speak.
These people are, first off, living in a beautiful San Francisco apartment or home, but whatever it is they cannot afford it. The main character has started a medical company where she is making no money, literally not even taking a paycheck at work, while her husband works as a paramedic/bartender. The premise of the show is that the main character is trying to find an investor in her company and just in the nick of time, Zellweger rolls up and offers her 80 million for a piece of the company, oh, and her husband’s dick. In what fucking world?
Obviously they agree on it and she is supposed to let her mans do this broad. My girlfriend says she’d turn down the 80 million for selling me but I don’t buy it. I think she’d sell me for half.
The storyline is too fantastical and feels like the beginning porno. They are signing contracts about sex like it’s 50 Shades of Gray. The music sounds like its out of a bad 90’s CW show. The filming is actually terrible. For me to actually notice that the video taping of something can be bad, it has to be noticeably terrible. The fucking kids who taped the Blair Witch Project did a better job. They switch between POV, to three camera sitcom, to single camera tv. It felt uncomfortable, especially when they are POV taping a man dance in his underwear towards you. They used slow motion and fast motion and it just took away from the cast, who honestly were the only thing holding it together. I never want to hear someone speak in slow motion unless it’s god damn Old School.
I really wanted to not write any negative reviews and just try to keep it light and funny but this was a bizarre show. I bet that it gets somewhat of a cult following or a few people that like it, but I think that this should be a one and done. I’m almost upset that I had to waste an hour watching that just to do some “research” for this blog. Maybe I should leave it to the experts on Roger Ebert or Rotten Tomatoes to do these reviews. No wonder their reviews can be so mean. I can’t imagine watching terrible show after terrible show and trying to find something nice to say about it.
Netflix, I need a new show. Something like Dexter, Sons, Breaking Bad, and you keep missing the mark, with these dramas that either bore me the first season or can’t make it through season 2. Clean it up.