Adorning an Apartment

For all of you who may not know, adorn means to decorate. I had to actually look that up recently. We’ve been setting up our apartment and trying to find pieces of furniture that are generally inexpensive and somewhat match. So far our theme looks like thrift shop theme. It can be expensive and frustrating. On one hand you want everything to match while on the other hand you’d like to have something other than ramen for dinner.

We brought some things with us but we didn’t have dressers, a couch, or a bed. Some of us would call those the essentials. Maybe not the dresser, but the couch and the bed are items that I have a personal need for. My fiancĂ© on the other hand would prefer an old rustic clock instead of a bed because it looks nice and apparently she never knows the time in the apartment. How it’s possible to not know the time in 2019, I really can’t explain that one.

I’m a realist though. I want to buy used furniture. I don’t need it to be brand new. Furniture isn’t like towels or bed sheets. It’s not like you’re asking for half of someone’s used turkey sandwich. You’re putting your books on the same shelf they put their books or clothes where they put their clothes. I’ll only buy furniture from someone if I get to see the inside of their house first though. I want to know how dirty these people are before I take something off their hands. If someone has 15 cats, I may opt out on using a dresser their cat used as a litter box.

We showed up to a girl’s house today to pick up a dresser. I told her I would pick it up at 9 am, but we showed up 12 minutes early. She wasn’t even awake, she had to get dressed and was irritated that we were early. Its not like I came an hour early, I showed up a few minutes before and this woman had fucking sleep lines on her face. Did she set her alarm for 9 AM? The exact time that I would be showing up? Meanwhile I got the Home Depot rental flat bed and every fifteen minutes I’m getting charged an extra $5. The $45 dresser was slowly increasing in price.

Parents don’t want you to buy used furniture for some reason though. I don’t think that they remember that all of their old furniture was probably hand-me-downs from family. They weren’t going out to Raymour and Flannigan to purchase a $700 bureau. I asked my mom how much a dining room table should cost and that’s when it hit me. She got hers 20 some odd years ago. The prices have probably changed a bit since then.

I keep saying I want to wait to buy these pieces of furniture but somehow I keep ending up in furniture stores. You see your bank account and you think, “we should probably wait until the next paycheck to buy another piece of furniture.” Then I realize the apartment is so old that the kitchen doesn’t even have outlets on the damn counter and I’m sitting there brewing coffee on the fucking floor and toasting my bread next to the dogs muddy footprints and I think, “credit card debt can’t be as bad as sitting here hungover trying to brew Folgers on a peel-and-stick tile older than me.”

Naturally, now I have to buy a $500 kitchen cart just so I don’t have to toast my Eggo waffles while getting dirt all over my work khakis. So, my advice to the rest of my friends possibly buying furniture or adorning their newly bought homes, well actually, I have no advice. In the words of Joe Pesci, “You’re getting fucked, one way or the other.”

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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