I would like to thank the teachers who took the time to provide these stories. I would like to thank the children for being perpetually naïve. I would like to thank the parents who create these monsters. Most of all I would like thank the internet for teaching these offspring everything they need to know 10 years in advance. If you’d like to share a story, please do, because with North Korea popping off and every known celebrity committing sex crimes, I think we could all use a good laugh. So, here we go again.
“Every once in a while we get observed by our supervisors while doing our jobs. While playing Pictionary with the kids, I asked the most innocent girl ever to draw a picture of a nose. Here is what she drew. In front of my supervisor.”
“Kaitlin hated everything about school, and made it her mission to never, ever, ever apply her brain. Instead, she preferred to sing songs like, “Somebody come get her, she dancin’ like a stripper,” and she often walked into class, twerked, and then sat down in her seat. Eventually, I developed a good relationship with her mother and would tell her all the shit her daughter did. She was one of those parents we teachers are grateful for because she had my back and understood that her child wasn’t perfect. She ended up putting Kaitlin in a school that specialized in behavioral needs, and we lost touch. Months later, I was TRASHED and on my way to a Taylor Swift concert on a Saturday night. That night Kaitlin’s mom ended up being my Uber Driver. Oops. Sorry you had to see me like that……and I’m also sorry that you facetimed your daughter and allowed me to have a conversation with her in that state of being.”
“Next we are going to focus on Paul. I was doing a run through in a classroom library, when all of the sudden I picked up a book about trucks and noticed some writing inside. Defacing classroom supplies really grinds my gears, but normally I just erase it and move on. When I went to erase it, I noticed that there was a speech bubble coming from the truck. The speech bubble said, “Suck my dick, bitch.-Paul” I thought maybe he got framed, so I went to him and asked, “Did you write this?” He replied no, but as I continued to press the matter, he eventually admitted that he did do it. I asked him, “Why did you sign your name when you’re writing such bad things in our books?” He replied, “If I didn’t write my name, how would everyone know I am a badass? I never thought you would this book up and read it.” Needless to say, on the list of things that I never saw myself saying to a parent, “Your 7 year old son wrote suck my dick bitch in our classroom book,” was at the very top.”
“Finally we have, Ethan. Ethan’s story is short, and definitely not sweet. He was a curious 13 year old, and when you mix a curious 13 year old with a school computer, you get some really concerning google searches. They include, but are not limited to, “Threesome with different color people,” “Really big dicks,” “gigantic titties,” “two girlz one cup,” “blue waffles,” and “3D penis.” I guess a 2D penis wasn’t enough for him.”
Really big dicks and giant titties. Welp, I just googled the same things and the results could really throw a child off the mark on what life as an adult is really like. And Paul, you are a God Damn Bad-Ass and don’t let anyone tell you any different.