It’s that time of year again. Every basic bitch has a pumpkin spice latte, a punny caption featuring the season, and a picture with a pumpkin they obviously carved with a stencil and yet so slyly leave that detail out. People start busting out there terrible scary movies and cuddling up to shit themselves and cover their eyes for an hour and 45 minutes. The ridiculous desserts and Autumn based foods make there way to the forefront. People stock their homes with gourds (who knows what the purpose of these disgusting growths actually are), nuts, leaves, and pinecones. Fall is a beloved season for most. Out here in the wild west, there really is no such thing as fall being that there are no leaves to even change color. Don’t get me wrong, I love a sugared up pumpkin flavored latte just like the rest of you shmucks. I’m even a sucker for some fall desserts. I’m as basic as they come. One thing, that I will never understand is the scary movies.
I’ll never forget the first scary movie I had ever seen. Of course it was the exorcist. Naturally, I’m scarred for life. Now when I say I watched this movie, what I mean is that I saw three seconds of it. I was at my friend Chris’s house for a sleepover in the 6th grade. It was me, him, and our friend Will. I was playing PlayStation while they were watching the movie. I wasn’t even watching, but I could obviously hear it. I looked over for three seconds at the scene where that little bitch pisses herself in front of all those people and I lost it. I had to go home in the middle of the night from a sleepover. I don’t think I cried, but I might as well have at that point. After that movie, I never really understood why people liked scary movies.
I still, to this day, do not like scary movies. I hate them. I’m still afraid to go to the bathroom in the dark after seeing the Amityville Horror House. I don’t like showering at night when no one else is home, and I’m literally afraid of the dark. Who isn’t afraid of the dark? You literally can’t see anything. You don’t know if that little Chuckie fucker is standing there waiting to stab you in the stomach.
The worst type of scary movie is the type with the scary little girls. I don’t know what it is about a screwed up looking 11 year old girl, but that shit is without a doubt the scariest. The Exorcist, The Ring, The Shining, etc. I can’t even stand to think about them.
The most recent scary movie I saw was It, with my girlfriend. This was the first scary movie we had seen together. Probably the first scary movie I have seen in a movie theater since high school. Prior to leaving, I yelled back to Marisa, grab my hat, my head gets cold in movie theaters. Obviously, I was just going to use my hat to shield my eyes from this terrifying demon shit. The movie wasn’t as creepy as other scary movies that ruined nights of sleep for me, but I still spent about 75% of the movie covering, or getting ready to cover, my eyes. After the movie, Marisa called me out on the whole hat thing. Which she undoubtedly knew about the second I asked for my hat. I got my scary movie fix for the year now. I don’t think I need to do another one.
Honestly, you can keep your Fall bullshit. Keep your pumpkin flavored everything, keep your apple cider donuts, keep your fall flavored candles and keep your scary movies. If I can’t go the season without getting coerced to see a scary movie than you can even keep my birthday. I’ll wait for Christmas. I’ll wait for Christmas movies, Christmas music, and halls decked with motherfreakin holly before I ever get dragged back in to the theaters to see another scary movie. Keep your thanksgiving turkey, I’ll take Christmas Lasagna. Screw your pumpkins, I’ll wait for cheesecakes and presents under the tree. I’ll take a warm fire over a pumpkin patch that smells like cow shit. I’ll take snow over rain. And I will sure as hell take Chevy Chase, Kevin McCallister ,and Buddy the Elf over Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and those freaky little bitches in The Shining.