I’m going to go right ahead and say I’m a pretty active guy. As I write this, it’s about 5:30 in the morning and I’m getting ready to head to the gym. I just finished walking the dog about 3 miles. I even eat somewhat healthy…somewhat. I enjoy the occasional giant glass of wine and I’m a sucker for French Fries. Not so much a dessert guy though, although for a solid two years my friends called me “Fat Vinny.” But we’re not here to talk about my diet, or the irreversible psychological damage my friends have done to me over the years. We’re here to talk about the new craze of hiking.
I say new because I don’t think most people were into hiking before they found out they can Instagram a selfie from the top of the mountain (guilty). Most of the hiking I have done since I’ve moved to Las Vegas has been alone. I thought it was a cool solo thing to do.
This should be rule one of hiking etiquette. Never go hiking alone. You don’t want to end up like a fucked up Liam Neeson movie. You’re not going to be able to walk on a broken leg or fight off an Arctic Wolf. You will unfortunately meet your demise rather quickly. At least least any of us Americans. A year ago in Japan, 7 year old, Yamata Tanooka, was left in bear infested woods by his parents as punishment. He survived 6 whole days until someone found him by accident. His father was quoted saying, “I really didn’t think it would come to that. I went to far.” Oh, you fucking think you went too far? I don’t know how you survived Yamata, but next time you’re at the zoo, push Daddy-o into the bear infested bear pit, see if he lasts 6 days.
So, don’t go hiking alone. You’re not as savvy as that 7 year old. A few months ago, I went hiking with a friend and I fell off about a 6 foot lip while we were coming down. It was definitely a lot scarier for me than it was for my friend. He was laughing his ass off while I was laying there moaning in pain. Overall, I was fine but if I would’ve fell off the actual drop, I’d have been shit out of luck.
Also, I don’t care if you don’t know where you’re going, but at least know where you came from. Asking the next guy you see on the path which direction you should go is not going to be the move. One, he probably doesn’t know where he’s going either. Two, when people ask me for directions I just like to point and say, “yep, just head that way.” Just follow the trail signs and remember where you parked and you should be ok. Like I said, “should be.”
One part of the etiquette I’m not really too sure about is when you start walking the same path as another group. I’m not about to do a 3 mile hike with three weirdos who continuously talk about how they don’t normally hike and they continuously ask about the hikes you’ve been on. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the nature or whatever. We just decided to walk much faster than these people until they were no longer near us. As much as I love listening to people, I’m completely antisocial. I want little snippets of these people’s lives not a 2 hour hikes worth.
I want to be real honest here, I fucking hate hiking. I don’t mind it once I’m at the top of that bitch. But hiking here is like hiking up a big dirt hill for hours. Nothing changes. A couple cacti here and there. No running water whatsoever, and when you get to the top guess what you see. You see the one thing you were trying to get away from to begin with. The fucking Las Vegas Strip. People always say enjoy the journey and I believe that, just not when it comes to hiking. When it comes to hiking I’m strictly a destination type of guy.