There’s No Place Like Home, There’s No Place Like Home

So, two weeks ago, I went on vacation to this place called Punta Cana. Punta Cana is an interesting place. Well, actually, I never saw Punta Cana. I stayed at the fuckin’ Hard Rock; which is essentially America plopped right in the middle of this place suffering from poverty. But getting past that, this was the first time I’ve ever been somewhere all-inclusive. So, let’s get something straight here. There seems to be absolutely no rules in this place. Everyone just seems to yell until they get there way. I’m very used to that mentality, but seeing so many people do it, I couldn’t even bear to do that this week. So, I went with a “casually be at least tipsy the whole weekend and let everyone plan everything for me” mindset.

So, this leads me to the actual story, which I was not tipsy for. It was later at night. I was what you would call, “lit up like a Christmas tree.”

While we were there we met this girl at the hotel. She was quite scary. We won’t use her real name so, we’ll just call her… Ashton. Have you ever seen the shining? This girl was one of the twins from the shining. Except she ate her fuckin’ twin sister. So, Ashton was really into one of the guys I was with on vacation. She was constantly looking around for us so that she could hang out with him. So, Ashton was wearing this dress one night. It was a “maxi dress.” If you don’t know what this is, you should google it. If you don’t google what it is, you might be completely lost the rest of the story. Definitely kidding, it really doesn’t fucking matter. It’s a long dress. Anyway, this girl was sitting there in this dress, and naturally I had to be an asshole. What else was I supposed to do? I looked at her and said “you know I would look ten times better in that dress.”

So, obviously I thought we’d never find out who looks better, because obviously, I’ll never have that dress on. Here is where things took a hard turn for the worst. Miss Ashton said, “then put the dress on.”

In my head now, is the battle between Pride and Dignity. If you’ve ever had this battle in your head, then you know that Pride knees Dignity in the balls and Pride comes out on top.

So, I said, “fine give me the dress then.” This girl takes off this dress like it was a sweater and the sun just came out in the middle of July, except she had nothing underneath. Just took her tits out. We were in a bar with at least 5 people that I was with, and, I don’t know, upwards of 50 people that we didn’t know. So, this girl has her tits out and just her thong on sitting at the bar. But, really, who am I to judge? I already had my shirt off and I was standing there in a long dress and my underwear, like Mrs. Fucking Doubtfire. So, here we are, me, obviously bouncing my ass up and down in the stupid dress like an asshole, that I literally wish I could wear everyday; and this psychopath, shining girl is next to me, tits out, in my Charlie Sheen bowling shirt. These are the moments where you look around and you wonder, “When the fuck did we get ice cream?”

Published by Your Cousin Vinny

I'm just a guy, who really is trying to figure out what the move is.

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